final farewell

The night Brandon died I was making peanut butter cookies. It was around 6:30. I had this warm feeling surround me as I thought of him. I wanted to call him, just to tell him that I loved him, but I looked at the clock and talked myself out of it. It was after 3pm in California and I was sure he'd be at school. I made a note to myself to call him later.

We got the call at 9:30 at night. I was lying in bed with Soren, nursing him off to sleep. Austin answered the phone. He brought the phone to my mom, who was in the living room, then dashed back into our bedroom. "Brandon is dead."

I don't know when I made the connection, whether it was that terrible, interminable night or sometime in the coming days, but the moment that warm feeling enveloped me in the kitchen was about the same time they found Brandon's body in the pond. I wondered if I had acted on that feeling if I might have spoken with him moments before he died. But I have felt and continue to believe that he was giving me one last hug. I had that sudden warm feeling for him because I was feeling his presence. His spirit had already left his body and he was coming to say goodbye, to check in on his loved ones on his way to the other side.

I love you, Brandon. I miss you so much.